I Need A Hug
by ayquefabulosa
Summary: Rowena Malcom was always the happy one, always the shoulder to lean on, giving hugs and smiles spreading hope. Until she does the one thing she regrets: she falls for someone she shouldn't have... Written for the SBS challenge. Marauders Era.


**A/N: This is ANOTHER one-shot for the Six Billion Secrets challenge. This secret kinda spoke to me when I saw it so I said: "Why the hell not?" Though I warm you, this one will be VERY bitter and angsty... Project For Awesome videos have me feeling down in the dumps that I'm stuck here in my room writing while awesome people are making P4A videos and helping charities... *pouts* I feel like shite. Sorry if I miss a 'd' somewhere, the key has decided to be a little shit. ****Meh, I don't feel this one-shot was as good as the last but I tried at least. *shrugs***

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"I'm the girl who's always laughing, always smiling, always cheering up others. I give away my smiles and hugs to anyone I meet. When is someone going to realize that I need hugs and smiles just as much as they do?"

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People call me Rowena, which is my birth name as well as the name of one of Hogwarts' founders. Which is okay, I guess. Ravenclaw's _are_the poster children for wisdom and intellect. So when I tell people that I hate my name, they get confused. But I never explain why to them, they never really care. No one ver does.

Rowena means happy or happiness. That is what stumps people. What's wrong with being happy?

The answer? Nothing. It's just my own excessive happiness that I loathe with a passion.

If you've ever seen me in the halls, you know me as the girl who is always cheerful and loud. To you and everyone else, I am the therapist of Hogwarts. I help people, I make them happy and make sure they feel loved.

It is a tedious routine, but without it I'm afraid everyone would collapse and I would die from the weight. I fear what would happen if I left everyone to fend for themselves. Remus says it's my motherly instincts acting out, I beg to differ.

I do this because that is what I would want anyone else to do for me, they assume. That _is_ what I want for someone, _anyone_ to do for me. To listen, be there, give me hugs and show me that I am a great human being. Every time I do that for someone, I do it with the secret hope that they will return the favor. They never do. Sirius tried to, but I brushed him off. Out of everyone, he is the last person that I would want to have to carry my burden.

Every day is the same old thing. Wake up to James or Sirius, eat, be generally happy, go to class, pull pranks, eat, sleep. It's my duty to be the girl who's always laughing, always smiling, always cheering them up when they're down. Because without me, the boys would never have met each other or done everything they do now. And not to boast, but without my help I guarantee that a fifth of the Hogwarts population would've had meltdowns.

But contrary to popular belief, I hate my job. Hate what my name has made me out to be.

Because, on my line of duty, I have done the unspeakable. I have commited an act that will haunt me forever.

I have fallen in love with Sirius Orion Black and he can never love me back.

I love every single inch of him, everything he has and will ever do, every single flaw. And as cheesy as it sounds, he's my bloody savior. Without his mere existence, I would probably have caved in and just ended it all. But I can't have him as I want though. Sirius doesn't need someone like me.

Sirius needs someone who doesn't pretend, someone who really is a happy person that doesn't have all the flaws and burdens that I harbor deep in my soul. And I can't be that person. You see, I give away my smiles and hugs to anyone I meet, but I need someone to realize that I need hugs and smiles just as much as they do. As much as I would like him to, Sirius would melt if he had to carry both his and my burdens with him.

"Oi, Malcolm!" I look back. It's Sirius. He and James are at the end of the hallway, grinning and waving their hands signaling for me to come with them. "Dinner starts in five minutes, Row' and if you want to make it for the show I suggest that you hurry."

I see Sirius make some complex hand motions to James, who scurries away to the Great Hall, presumably. Sirius comes striding towards me in a way that makes my knees weak and before I know it, is standing right next to my ear. He brushes a strand of my hair away from my face and for a moment I think he's going to kiss me, but he doesn't. Instead he leans to whisper in my ear, "I heard that they're having that chocolate cake you love." Sirius winks at me and walks away.

I am left standing here, thinking 'This is why I love this man' before going after him.

He is the only thing I love about my job, my duty.

So for now I am stuck being the happy person to everyone else but myself. I am the girl who is permanently in this position of love and kindness. I'm the girl who's always laughing, always smiling, always cheering up others. I give away my smiles and hugs to anyone I meet. When is someone going to realize that I need hugs and smiles just as much as they do?


End file.
